A big scare (on my original due date)

Today is my original due date, and it's the day I received my biggest scare yet - and learned one hell of a lesson. I got up about 8am to change Darrell's diaper and my mom was still asleep. I really, really, really needed to use the bathroom, so I put Darrell in the Boppy newborn lounger on the couch, thinking he'd be secure there. I turned it so it was sloped down toward the inside of the couch, with the inclined side against the couch edge. He was screaming and writhing the whole time as he always does during and after diaper changes, so I rushed to the bathroom, did my business, washed my hands, came back... and saw his little head nearly dangling off the top edge of the lounger with the hardwood floor three menacing feet below him! I ran and grabbed him before he managed to kick hard enough to push himself up any more and tried to remember to breathe. In his thrashing, he had been gradually kicking enough that he was edging himself up the lounger. It seemed if I had gotten there 30 seconds later, he may have been able to push himself high enough that the weight of his head and shoulders could have sent him falling head first onto the hard wood.

I took him back to my bed and began to nurse him, but I was not okay. I started crying a little... then a lot. I wanted to calm down because I knew he would be able to feel my stress, but the experience scared me so much and made me so angry at myself that it was tough to calm myself down. I was grateful I got there when I did while trying to forgive myself for doing something so stupid. I could have put him in the rocker in my room, or in the bassinet, or taken the lounger with me and set it on the floor of the bathroom - anything but leave him alone in a place raised above the floor, and a hard wood floor at that! Of course, I also realized that this is likely the first of many other near-miss mistakes I'll make over the years, so I just have to get over it and be grateful I got there before he fell (there's no saying he definitely would have fallen, and he might have been fine after a fall, though I have a harder time convincing myself of that).

I nearly didn't tell my husband Darrell about it, but I felt it was dishonest not to, especially since it was still haunting me. I was worried he would be angry with me for doing something so careless and stupid. In fact, it was the opposite. He said it was an easy mistake to make, that nothing happened, that he'd probably have been fine anyway and that was that. Have I mentioned that I have a wonderful husband?

[Note: This entry was written 6/17/10 and backdated.]