To Cosleep... or not to sleep. That is the question.

Before I brought little Darrell home, I was dead set against co-sleeping in bed. I believed bed-sharing to be unsafe and even irresponsible, and I was keenly aware of the recommendations against it by the American Academy of Pediatricians and SIDS-awareness organizations. Being particularly paranoid about SIDS, there was no question that I would not be bed-sharing with Darrell IV.

After his first few days at home, I discovered that desperation can warp one's principles! As it turns out, co-sleeping is the ONLY way I've been getting any sleep at all, so I'm now finding myself fighting off guilt for doing it. Darrell still has his days and nights confused, and he's most alert in the wee hours of the evening. For the first week or two, that meant he was awake - either wanting to be fed or soothed - from 10pm until about 5am. In the past week or so, he's gone to sleep a little earlier: twice at 1:30am and a few times by 3am. By all accounts, however, he's still a night owl. He also will NOT stay asleep in his bassinet for more than five minutes, or longer than 10-20 minutes in his bouncer or rocker, even with the vibration on.

Therefore, the only way I've gotten sleep is for him to fall asleep while breastfeeding, keep him on my chest until I'm sure he's asleep (or soothe him to sleep there if he wakes), wiggle my way down from a slightly seated position to laying down, and then ease him off my tummy onto the crook of my arm. He is still on his back - as recommended for decreasing SIDS risk factors - but turned slightly on his side toward me. I make sure to keep the comforter away from him, he's in a wearable blanket for warmth and safety, and the ceiling fan is always on for good air circulation. I used to have him in the middle but started to get anxious about Darrell III rolling over on him (even with a pillow blocking the way), so I now keep him on the outside of me and have a pillow on the floor beside the bed just in case. (I bought a used Snugglenest for $20 off Craigslist, but it's pretty cramped using it in our queen-size bed... and he doesn't want to stay asleep in it either! The only way I got him to stay there for 20 minutes was to wrap myself around it practically John Lennon-Yoko Ono style and have my arm basically in it with him.)

Still, it nags at me that I'm going against recommendations. I asked his pediatrician about it at his two-week appointment and heard what I expected but didn't want to hear: it's really not recommended for safety reasons and because it conditions him to sleep only in bed with us and set up a pattern he'll want to continue. As I'm reading Happiest Baby on the Block, I've come to discount the conditioning reason. (If you can't spoil a baby under three months by holding him too much and conditioning him to expect that, then I don't believe I'm setting myself up for major problems with transitioning him to a bed later either.) However, I can't help but worry that I'm a bad parent for going against a doctor's safety recommendations. By the same token, I can't get ANY sleep - and therefore be much of a decent parent at all - if we don't use this arrangement right now. It's the only thing that works.

I've read that Dr. Sears recommends cosleeping and claims it reduces risk of SIDS, but I'm not entirely sure I trust his advice after reading critiques like this blog and skimming this AAP article (pdf). My mind was eased a little by reading stories similar to mine - including other moms who felt guilty for co-sleeping - on Babycenter.com forums like here and here. So I sought the insights of friends whose parenting values and methods I trust... and I was grateful to hear that nearly all of them co-slept with their little ones for at least the first several challenging months. They all told me I need to do what's right for me and my family... to me, it's a more basic decision that that: it's simple survival. Either we co-sleep, or I don't sleep. There's not much of an option right now.

First night home, first pediatrician visit

Last night was our first night home from the hospital. It was hell.

I knew the first night back would be rough, but it's even harder when your milk hasn't come in yet. While in the hospital, it was nice being able to call in a nurse for anything I needed and to order food from the cafeteria. Now we were on our own, and in the middle of the night, little Darrell was screaming for food... and I just didn't have it. Nursing has been extremely painful - excruciating to the point that the nurse was startled by my pain - from the start, and I could only attempt it with a bunch of Motrin in me. But even breathing through the pain didn't matter because the small amount of colostrom I had wasn't enough to satisfy him. I was in tears with frustration and helplessness, and Darrell finally told me just to give him the formula the hospital sent us home with. They had given us some formula to supplement my colostrom through a tube attached to my nipple because he wasn't gaining back his weight, but the tube thing didn't work out. They also gave us a few bottle nipples, though I was loathe to feed him formula.

I finally gave in and fed him the formula while bawling at 3 am in the morning. It was actually comforting to hear from a friend today that she had gone through the same thing: first night home, milk hadn't come in, newborn hunger cries... and while she bawled on the floor, her mother fed her son formula. At least it wasn't just me!

In any case, we survived the first night... and my milk came in this morning. He also had his first visit to the pediatrician this morning. We were running late because I haven't figured out my timing yet - it used to be I was out the door ten minutes after getting up, but now I have to reconfigure/discover how much time to plan for with the baby! - but all went well. I really like our pediatrician, Dr. Broberg with Austin Regional Clinic, because of his warmth, sense of humor and relaxed manner. When I interviewed him during my pregnancy, I wanted to know if he was okay with non-circumcision (yes, a quarter of his patients aren't circumcised) and whether he was the type to order tests and specialist appointments when there was a problem or to wait and see first. He said he was the latter, which is what I was looking for since I believe there's way too much testing and referring in the health care industry these days. I also asked him how he would react to parents who wanted to use an altered schedule for vaccinations. He said, "Well, we keep a baseball bat in the closet..." I immediately liked him :)

The pediatrician at the hospital had wanted us to take Darrell to a urologist because his opening was apparently small, but Dr. Broberg saw no issues with it and said we were fine waiting and seeing - just his style and what I prefer. Darrell weighed in at 7 lbs, so he was finally gaining back a little of his weight. He was 6 lbs, 14 oz a few days after he was born, and the hospital was concerned he had lost so much weight, so it was reassuring to see he's finally started to regain it.

Meanwhile, my husband went back to work today, but I'm incredibly grateful it's Friday so that he's home for the next two days. We have the second night to get through next.

[Note: This entry was written 6/21/10 and backdated.]