To Cosleep... or not to sleep. That is the question.

Before I brought little Darrell home, I was dead set against co-sleeping in bed. I believed bed-sharing to be unsafe and even irresponsible, and I was keenly aware of the recommendations against it by the American Academy of Pediatricians and SIDS-awareness organizations. Being particularly paranoid about SIDS, there was no question that I would not be bed-sharing with Darrell IV.

After his first few days at home, I discovered that desperation can warp one's principles! As it turns out, co-sleeping is the ONLY way I've been getting any sleep at all, so I'm now finding myself fighting off guilt for doing it. Darrell still has his days and nights confused, and he's most alert in the wee hours of the evening. For the first week or two, that meant he was awake - either wanting to be fed or soothed - from 10pm until about 5am. In the past week or so, he's gone to sleep a little earlier: twice at 1:30am and a few times by 3am. By all accounts, however, he's still a night owl. He also will NOT stay asleep in his bassinet for more than five minutes, or longer than 10-20 minutes in his bouncer or rocker, even with the vibration on.

Therefore, the only way I've gotten sleep is for him to fall asleep while breastfeeding, keep him on my chest until I'm sure he's asleep (or soothe him to sleep there if he wakes), wiggle my way down from a slightly seated position to laying down, and then ease him off my tummy onto the crook of my arm. He is still on his back - as recommended for decreasing SIDS risk factors - but turned slightly on his side toward me. I make sure to keep the comforter away from him, he's in a wearable blanket for warmth and safety, and the ceiling fan is always on for good air circulation. I used to have him in the middle but started to get anxious about Darrell III rolling over on him (even with a pillow blocking the way), so I now keep him on the outside of me and have a pillow on the floor beside the bed just in case. (I bought a used Snugglenest for $20 off Craigslist, but it's pretty cramped using it in our queen-size bed... and he doesn't want to stay asleep in it either! The only way I got him to stay there for 20 minutes was to wrap myself around it practically John Lennon-Yoko Ono style and have my arm basically in it with him.)

Still, it nags at me that I'm going against recommendations. I asked his pediatrician about it at his two-week appointment and heard what I expected but didn't want to hear: it's really not recommended for safety reasons and because it conditions him to sleep only in bed with us and set up a pattern he'll want to continue. As I'm reading Happiest Baby on the Block, I've come to discount the conditioning reason. (If you can't spoil a baby under three months by holding him too much and conditioning him to expect that, then I don't believe I'm setting myself up for major problems with transitioning him to a bed later either.) However, I can't help but worry that I'm a bad parent for going against a doctor's safety recommendations. By the same token, I can't get ANY sleep - and therefore be much of a decent parent at all - if we don't use this arrangement right now. It's the only thing that works.

I've read that Dr. Sears recommends cosleeping and claims it reduces risk of SIDS, but I'm not entirely sure I trust his advice after reading critiques like this blog and skimming this AAP article (pdf). My mind was eased a little by reading stories similar to mine - including other moms who felt guilty for co-sleeping - on Babycenter.com forums like here and here. So I sought the insights of friends whose parenting values and methods I trust... and I was grateful to hear that nearly all of them co-slept with their little ones for at least the first several challenging months. They all told me I need to do what's right for me and my family... to me, it's a more basic decision that that: it's simple survival. Either we co-sleep, or I don't sleep. There's not much of an option right now.

Hormones strike again... and bonding insecurity

Yea, so, definitely not immune to the influence of the hormones. It's mostly in the evenings when Darrell comes home from work, and I'm sure it's exacerbated by both sleep deprivation and by anxiety about the looming nighttime, but I'll just cry from feeling so overwhelmed. Tonight I laid down with him for a little bit to cry while he held me and while my mom took care of the baby in the other room. I told him I was ashamed to admit it but that I already missed how the way it was when it was just the two of us. I'm not sorry we have the baby - I wanted a baby, a family - and I'm very happy with my decision, and I know things will get better. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed with the whole experience, it's hard not to long for the simpler days of just him and me.

I also worry I'm not bonding well enough with my baby. Before I had him, everyone told me I would instantly fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him. I feel horrible for saying as much, but that wasn't true. The first time I saw my baby, I was mainly exhausted and just stunned that he'd actually come out of me (and that I'd been able to push him out of me!) Then, I was more concerned with the birth complications I was experiencing, and I didn't see him until six hours later. I think he's absolutely beautiful - I couldn't ask for a more adorable kid - but I didn't feel this magic wave of love just wash over me like a Hollywood movie. I wanted to hold him and nourish him, and I want him to be happy, but I worry I was already an inadequate mother because I don't necessarily feel this head-over-heels infatuation with him.

My mother and husband tell me to relax and give it time and that our bond will grow, and I trust and believe them, but the last thing you want to feel when you're already stretched thin is even more inadequacy. I told my husband, "I'm giving so much of myself to him physically that I feel like there's almost nothing left of me emotionally." All I can do is trust that nature is taking a little more time with me and that the empathy and compassion I'm typically known for among friends will blossom in its own time. Oddly, the scary couch incident almost reassured me that I care more than I consciously notice. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing... as usual.

[Note: This entry was written 6/17/10 and backdated.]