Tara & Darrell's Excellent Adventure, Part 2

For the first time ever, Darrell slept five hours and 45 minutes! Wow! It was actually me who woke him up about 6:30 am when my rock-hard, soaked, engorged right boob woke me up because so much time had passed since his last feeding. If I didn't wake him up or pump, I'd be in pain soon. Of course, he was probably exhausted from screaming for the whole drive the day before, but regardless, I was glad he allowed me the longest continuous bout of sleep I'd had since he was born.

And I needed it! After feeding him, I got up for an early morning chat with my dad and then went back to bed for an hour before leaving for our first visit: my friend Latha at 9:30am. Of course, I was running late because I had to stop at my favorite bagel shop, Iris Bagels, on the way to say hi to the family there and get my once-standard poppy seed bagel - Oh, how I miss those bagels every day! Latha, one of my closest friends, had children before any of my other friends, so she's an old pro at this whole motherhood business with her sons Shrayes and Saurung. In addition to giving us a ton of awesome hand-me-down clothes and supplies, she's also been wonderful at dispensing helpful advice. Her schedule was tight, though, so I just popped in for about 45 minutes so she could meet Darrell and we could catch up.

Then it was off to see family friend Vikki, or "Aunt Vikki" for little Darrell. She just moved into an awesome house in Fort Worth, but she was still at her medical appointment in south Arlington when I called. So, I drove from Latha's in north Arlington to get Vikki and then off to see her adorable, cat-tastic Fort Worth home (the only home of cats I've ever visited that doesn't smell like cats :)

From Vikki's, it was back to east Arlington to see my "daughter" Taylor, a former student who calls me every Mother's Day and rightfully regards little Darrell as her little brother. Then it was back to my parents' in southwest Arlington to pick up Casper and Ghost and take them to Creature Comfort Animal Clinic for their annual shots. After dropping them back off at my parents', I headed to a central Arlington Starbucks to meet up with another former student Fatima and my friends Jaya and Charles with their adorable 11-month son Cayden.

Fatima was apparently stunned at my "transformation" into a mother, complete with "mom clothes." Mom clothes are a practical choice, of course, and I don't fit well or comfortably into much else besides sweat pants and a basic nursing top, so I suppose I look the part! It was amazing to see how big Cayden is - it's hard to believe that Darrell will be about his size and running around within a year... I want him to stay small for much, much longer!

From Starbucks, I swung back home to feed Darrell and then met my friend Jana - another super-close friend and the second of my friends to have kids - at America's Best Coffee before she headed to work. Jana had seen Darrell in the hospital, so she could really appreciate how much he's grown in just six weeks. And at last, after meeting Jana, I was off to the home of my husband's parents, Alice and Russ.

Whew! I was pretty damn tired by this point, so it was nice to just sit and relax at Alice's and have a relaxing dinner there. Khrystal, my husband's brother's fiancé, came with her kids as well, so little Darrell got to meet his cousins Ryleigh and Gabriel. They were utterly fascinated with this tiny new family member of theirs!

Darrell with cousins Gabriel & Ryleigh

By the time I left Alice's, I was definitely ready to crash, especially since the following morning would be the long drive back to Austin. Little D didn't sleep quite as long this time, but we still got in enough rest for the drive. I made sure to stop for my bagel and coffee at Iris Bagels to say hi to Earl and his parents again before getting on the road again. The ride back wasn't quite as harrowing as the drive north: Darrell only screamed for about 50 percent of the time. By now, I had nearly learned to tune it out while still alert for any abnormal or warning sounds.

Of course, central Austin greeted me with Friday rush-hour traffic since I wasn't arriving until nearly 4 pm, so I ended up getting home a little later than I'd planned to meet up with my friend Bridgett and her seven-month old daughter Satya. Bridgett and I had been trying to meet up for ages despite busy schedules, so it was nice to catch up, introduce her to little D and see how much Satya has grown since I met her a few months ago.

And at last, Friday night, we slept in our own bed, thoroughly wiped out from our whirlwind DFW odyssey!

Ryleigh, Darrell and Gabriel

Tara & Darrell's Excellent Adventure, Part I

Or, better named, Tara and Darrell's EXHAUSTING Adventure! But, I'm proud to say I've taken Darrell IV on his first road trip and we both survived, as did Casper and Ghost, our long-haired chihuahuas who accompanied us. I decided to take a trip to Arlington so little Darrell could meet some friends and visit Alice and Russ, Darrell's parents, who hadn't seen him since he was born. I told only a few people I was coming because I didn't want to feel obligated to see a ton of people, especially since I was only going to be there for two days. I also warned people that I couldn't guarantee I'd make it. I figured if I made it to Waco, the halfway point between Austin and DFW, then I could make the rest of the trip, but until I hit that 100-mile mark, I wasn't making any promises.

As I expected, Darrell wailed at the start of the trip. I made sure he had a full tummy, even breastfeeding him one last time at the Riverside service road gas station where I filled up the tank. I also made sure he wouldn't be hot or cold, with the A/C angled toward him and a blanket tucked around him. Nevertheless, a piercing newborn cry was my soundtrack until I was a good 10-15 miles out of Georgetown. Then, suddenly, I realized the crying had stopped. It took a minute for me to realize it because I was used to his occasional pauses, just long enough to take a breath and begin screaming again. So naturally, I breathed deeply and enjoyed the sudden respite, right? Oh no - not me. I was so used to the crying that I worried something was wrong so I arched up high in my seat to take a quick peek over the car seat (the mirror I'd been using to see him in the rear-facing seat in the back had fallen off and I hadn't been able to replace it yet). I saw a foot wiggle and felt relieved. He was alive all right - he just decided to stop screaming.

For twenty minutes. Then it was back to wailing again for over an hour. During the four-hour trip (normally three hours, but I stopped a few times to feed him or comfort him), he DIDN'T cry for one more 15-minute period and one 10-minute period. Beyond that, he screamed the remaining three hours!

To save time on feeding, I decided to pump while I was driving so I could simply pull over and give him a bottle. I use a sports bra to hold the phalanges in place so it's hands-free pumping, and the plan worked beautifully. (Of course, I'm not sure what I would have said had I been pulled over!) During one of our stops, I pulled off at a small gas station to change his diaper and feed him. I walked past the THREE signs telling me that restrooms were for customers only (okay! I get it!), opened the women's restroom... and stared in disbelief and disgust. I've used toilets in over 40 countries, and only once have I seen a bathroom more disgusting than this: an outhouse halfway up Mount Sinai in Egypt that was covered in excrement and swarming with flies. This I-35 gas station bathroom was only missing the flies. The toilet seat and back were covered in diarrhea, as was the floor and wall. There was toilet paper on the floor and every surface - floor, wall, stall, ceiling, sink - was filthy. I didn't want to touch ANYTHING and used my foot to open the door to walk out.

I asked the woman at the register if she had been in the restroom lately. She said no. I said she might want to and told her what I saw. She said the man who cleans it comes once a week and won't be in for a few days. I told her she might want to call him or clean it herself. She said, "I'm not going to do it! I'm a woman!" I just shook my head and walked out, making a mental note never to pull over at that exit again!

About 4:30, I got to Fort Worth and visited my friends Alexis and Greg Gross. Then I dropped off the dogs at my parents' house and visited my friend Jan, recently a grandmother herself. And then just before returning to my parents', I made an unscheduled stop at the home of a former assistant principal who lives just around the corner from my parents and was a wonderful mentor while I taught at Sam Houston. I thought he'd enjoy seeing that I was now a mom, especially since he had once teased me about the idea of me slowing down long enough to get married and have a family. He enjoyed meeting little Darrell and it was great catching up with him, Jan, and Greg and Alexis. At last, I returned to my parents' and damn near crashed. I was exhausted, and I had a busy lineup the next day.

The Feeding Frenzy of Count Suckula!

Oh. My. God. At last I can come up for air because at last my son has finally come up for air! Several friends had warned me that growth spurts are exhausting, and I certainly took their words seriously, but nothing quite prepares you for the six-week-old's growth spurt. With little Darrell, it actually began a little past his fifth week and had I realized what to expect, perhaps I might have invested some time in developing a special contraption that keeps him attached to my boobs 24-7... because that's pretty much the only place he wanted to be!

Every 30 to 90 minutes, he wanted to eat, and my milk bags could barely keep up. In fact, a couple of times, they couldn't keep up and we had to resort to giving him some formula. I remember at least once (though it probably happened a few times), he cleaned out the left side, then the right, then the left again, then the right... and after an hour or so of this I was completely tapped out. So we gave him 3 oz of formula... and he sucked it down! I thought surely it wasn't possible for his tiny stomach to hold all that milk plus the formula, but I guess that's what the growth spurt is all about: an expanding stomach! (I know... just wait til he's a teenager, right?!)

I felt a little guilty about giving him the formula because I want to breastfeed exclusively, but there simply wasn't another option on a few occasions. When your kid is screaming from hunger and there's nothing left in your breasts, but there's a shelf of free formula samples... well, you're not going to let him go hungry! I did call Mom's Place, the WIC lactation center, however, to ask them if they had any suggestions. I began taking fenugreek, a supplement to increase milk production a little over a week ago, and I've been downing water like crazy, so they suggested I come in for a pre- and post-feeding weigh-in.

My appointment is tomorrow, but I'll admit I was a bit annoyed with the woman on the phone. She said it can be tempting to offer formula during growth spurts to "give myself a break," but that it's important he only eat from the breast to stimulate more production. I kept my cool but was angry at the implication that I had any other choice: like I said, if I'm totally tapped out and my kid is hungry and I have the ability to feed him with formula, I'm going to do that before I'm going to let him scream for the next hour while I recharge. We never gave him formula unless my breasts were empty. In any case, I blew her off. I figure I'll do what I feel is right for my child and I'll see what they say tomorrow. Meanwhile, I've give him the new nickname "Count Suckula." After that True Blood marathon with my mother that I mentioned before, I felt like I was being fed upon by a milk vampire all this past week!

A 4 a.m. stroll saves the day, er, uh, night

You know those people who choose career fields because they love a challenge? People like engineers and doctors who constantly seek new situations that require problem-solving and creativity? I have the solution for those people: take care of a baby! After running through the list of usual suspects as he cries - is he hungry? does he need a diaper change? etc. - it becomes increasingly difficult to figure out what's wrong. Last night particularly required extra patience and creativity.

Soon after Darrell III came home from work, Darrell IV was getting fussy. After he had eaten, been changed, burped and farted, I still couldn't calm him down, so my husband took over. It eventually turned out that he was cold! Something so simple that I just didn't think of and wrapping him in a warmer blanket did the trick... for a little while.

He became fussy again, and I just couldn't handle it anymore after being with him all day. So I set him in the bouncer and turned on the vibrator, and suddenly he quieted down. Maybe he just didn't want to be held? That lasted... for a little while. Then the crying turned on again and thank God Darrell III took over. We never figured out what was bothering him - was he in pain? was he overstimulated? was he bored? - but he eventually cried it out as Darrell rocked him and sang to him and gave him the pacifier (after repeated attempts).

At bedtime, he was truly sleeping and nursed only briefly before falling back asleep, so it looked as though it wouldn't be a rough night. Wrong. At quarter to 4 a.m., after nursing (and spitting up a bunch all over mom, himself and the bed as usual), he was still alert and getting increasingly fussier. I tried rocking him in the glider. I tried swaddling. He refused my breasts and the pacifier. He didn't seem cold or hot. His diaper was clean, and he'd burped and farted. What was the problem?!

Darrell loves the Sleepy Wrap!

In desperation, I put on some sweatpants and the Sleepy Wrap and slid him into the kangaroo-pouch-like carrier and then headed out the door. I walked around the courtyard and then in front of our building and then around the courtyard again... he calmed a bit, then a bit more... After about the fifth circuit, he was nearly asleep. I had been super tired, but the walk was actually nice. The loud white noise of the whirring air conditioning fans outside each unit probably helped lull him to sleep, and the temperature was perfect: balmy and breezy with a fresh summertime scent in the air. I made one more loop for good measure and then came inside, slid him out of the pouch and beside me in the bed, and finally laid down to sleep. (For two hours :)

Getting along without Grandma

My mom headed home to Arlington on Sunday night after staying with us just over six weeks, so the past few days have been my first with just Darrell IV and me. I felt bouts of anxiety during the week leading up to my mom's departure, occasionally crying to Darrell that I'm worried about how I would do after she left. She's been a tremendous help, and I've been incredibly grateful for how long she stayed with us. It makes a world of difference when I can hand her the baby and run a quick errand or take a quick shower or, more often, take a nap. Darrell and my mom both told me I was doing great as a mom, however, and that I'd be fine. That feels nice to hear, but I was anxious nonetheless.

Darrell IV & Grandma Haelle

I guess we were all right. I have been doing okay, though it is difficult without my mom. If I can get one thing done each day, I feel a significant sense of accomplishment and I can relax a bit with little Darrell. Monday, I got the car inspected (yay! it passed!). Tuesday, I got an oil change and exchanged some items at Buy Buy Baby. Yesterday and today, I did a little laundry, and today I bought stamps at the post office. I also managed to squeeze in lunch at Nueva Onda yesterday and lunch at Curra's today. I find I need to do at least one outing a day or else I'll go a little crazy. The rest of the time is sleeping, feeding Darrell, changing diapers, and watching Netflix. I actually managed to watch six episodes in a row of the first season of 24. At that rate, it might actually be possible to get through all eight seasons by the end of the summer!

Now that he's a little over five weeks old, Darrell's alert much more of the day than he used to be. His awake-time is often awkward time too, though, because he's still too young to really play with. He's started to coo and gurgle and make all sorts of other adorable sounds, and the rest of the time just sort of stares off, taking in the world. I've been trying to talk to him as much as possible, but even I - famous for being overly talkative - can only say so much to a baby who gives little to no indication that he knows I'm talking to him. It feels just like talking to myself! I told him what I ordered at Curra's, about the fruit I was making myself for breakfast, about how I'm dressing him... I'm sure I'm not talking the supposed "2100 words an hour" that I've read babies need to hear, but I'm doing the best I can.

Grandma and Darrell again

I've also discovered what my friends mean when they talk about how exhausting the growth spurts are. He definitely went through a growth spurt for the past two days: I was feeding him every 45 minutes to an hour with only a handful of longer stretches. I felt like I might as well strap him to my chest and let him feed all day long. Maybe I've been watching too much True Blood (my mom and I watched all of Season Two in just a few days before she left), but I felt a bit like a human being fed on day and night by a vampire - the kid was literally sucking the life out of me!

How is being a mom like being Catholic?

I posted that question on Facebook to see what kind of answers I would get. The question occurred to me as I realized that I was, once again, feeling guilty for something or other. I don't even remember what it was now, but I realized being a mom seems to carry with it a constant sense of guilt. You can never do right enough by your kid, and if you dare try to read about what you should be doing... well, you might as well turn your bathroom into your own private confessional. Every time he cries, it's like a new chance to solve the riddle of the Sphinx. Sometimes it takes a minute or two. Sometimes you never find out what's wrong, and the helplessness is as bad as the guilt that you can't take away whatever the problem is.

I thought about trying to list all the things I've felt guilty about in the past four weeks - everything from not playing with him enough to stimulate his brain growth (honestly, how do you play with a newborn who's not even aware that those flailing limbs belong to him?) to something as simple as needing to put him down (begin wailing soundtrack) so I can use the bathroom. But the post would be long and boring, so I decided instead to list the creative answers I got on Facebook. I still think a constant sense of guilt is the strongest link between motherhood and the Catholic experience, but I was pretty impressed with the answers received by friends below.

It's all about the guilt! - Meggan Vasta

Both are exhausting! - Jennifer Cattes

You're constantly standing, sitting and kneeling to adore a baby. - Carolina Jimenez (this was one of my favorites)

The constant up and down along with the prayers for patience, held and SLEEP! - Kellie Lou Myers

The both require an abundance of imagination. - Jake Hyden

You're constantly looking for answers. - Eduardo Huerta

You are caring for the needy, you are suffering for the greater good, every day is All Saints Day or a day of obligation, you have a good sense of humor, you are the mother of God. - Robert Strachan (another of my faves)

Master of the art of getting things done through guilt trips. - Sam Shrivatsa

Every now and then the experience "stinks." - Eduardo Huerta

And then there's James Ewing's answer, which is really more about how to cope: It's all about drinking wine in the name of God.

Sorry about the waterboarding, kiddo!

I've been known for my clumsiness for most of my life. Like my mother, I always had some sort of scratch or bruise on my arms or legs from bumping my elbow on the wall that jumped out in front of me or tripping over completely solid, flat ground. So now, of course, I find myself apologizing to my son for this or that ever-so-smooth move or else, fortunately more often, thanking his lucky stars for a near-miss.

Case in point: bath time. Darrell already hates bath time. He screams as though I'm torturing him and yesterday, well, I guess I almost did, depending on where you fall on the "is-waterboarding-torture?" debate. I set him in the mini tub that fits into the kitchen sink and this time held him in place enough that he didn't knock his head on either side of it until my mom could place a towel around his head for cushioning. (I learned that lesson on his first bath... twice.) Then I filled a mini pitcher with lukewarm water to pour over his head, except I stupidly poured it too far forward so that his screaming was temporarily muffled by the water I just poured down his nose and throat. Oops. As he began coughing, I immediately picked him up and brought his head forward, patting his back while kicking myself for just about drowning my kid in not even an inch of water. "Sorry about the waterboarding, kiddo!" Yea, not sure he was in the most forgiving mood.

I used my hand to wash him for the rest of the bath since it's gentler (usually) than a washcloth and was a bit more careful not to pour water down his face or on his hair in such a way that the soap would run into his eyes. Of course, when we finished and lifted him out of the tub, I damn near knocked his head on the corner of the kitchen cabinet.

I take comfort in the fact that my mother is as notoriously clumsy as I am. If she managed to take care of me without giving me a concussion or breaking my neck, perhaps there's hope for me too.

This photo pretty much sums up little Darrell's opinion of bath time.

Who said you lose spontaneity?

Before I had kids, everyone told me just "how much!" my life will change when I have them, a fact I never doubted. Many told me my days of globe trotting and international adventure traveling were over - I just ignored them. I met enough parents (including Americans) traveling with children of all ages (1 up to teenagers) to know that my ability to travel has more to do with how I set my priorities than with whether I have kids.

Another thing I was frequently told, by our childbirth instructor and by friends, was that having kids doesn't mean you can't do things; it just means the end of spontaneity. Well, I beg to differ. Of course, it depends on your definition of spontaneity and what it is you want to do, but yesterday was a good example for me of what I have NOT lost. It was the Fourth of July, and we weren't going to battle the crowds and the heat to see fireworks that evening, but I wanted to do *something* in the late afternoon. Darrell had a headache, so I suggested to my mom that we go to South Congress and check out the food stands and the artisan market. She said okay.

So, I grabbed my Sleepy Wrap baby carrier, the diaper bag and the baby, and we were out the door in five minutes. We parked and headed to the Mighty Cone food stand, a place I've always wanted to try, and I ordered an awesome shrimp and avocado cone of goodness. Then we checked out the arts market - not terribly interesting - and then I asked my mom if she wanted to grab a drink before we headed home. We stopped in at South Congress Cafe and decided to go ahead and get a table to order a couple drinks and some appetizers. Little Darrell awoke while we waited for the baked brie and seafood/ceviche parfair, so I nursed him from my Sleepy Wrap in our booth.

The food was awesome, the margarita was great (and not too big fortunately), and it was an overall nice little outing. We returned home, and my stir-craziness was gone. Now, this was obviously not a very elaborate outing, but I guess I don't ask for much with my "spontaneity." As far as I'm concerned, my spontaneous little desires are just as easily satisfied now as they were before. We'll see if that changes as he grows older.

Baptized into parenting

One thing I discovered very quickly about taking care of a newborn is that you end up doing a lot of laundry. A lot. Between the spit-up and milk leaks and diaper-changing accidents, he goes through a lot of onesies, and my husband, mother and I go through a lot of shirts!

Today, however, little Darrell took it to a new level, and I do believe I am, in the words of my friend Vikki Powers, officially "baptized" as a parent. It started this morning when he had a dirty diaper. It was quite an impressive fill, so it was taking longer to clean his cute little butt while I positioned the new diaper under him. I didn't move fast enough. I was mid-sentence asking my mother whether we should give him a bath today when he began peeing all over himself and the couch. (We change him on changing pads on the couch.)

I laughed while I tried to cover him up and my mom got a new changing pad. Yes, it would be a bath day. I figured he had just emptied his bowels and bladder, and we were about to put him in his mini tub, so I held him without a diaper while my mom grabbed the baby soap and fit the tub into the kitchen sink. Poor assumption... his bladder was apparently NOT empty. As I held him against me, he began peeing all over me and the kitchen floor, creating a larger puddle around me than I thought possible from such a small creature! I was wearing only my bra and underwear, it was mostly streaming down my abdomen and legs. My mom mopped up what was on the floor and I figured we might as well get the bath over as quickly as possible so *I* could now shower.

He screamed his head off for the bath - he still hates being on his back and was probably frightened - but we got through it and I wrapped him in a towel as he began calming down. Just as he was good and dry and calm, he spit up all over his just-cleansed arm and chest. After wiping him down with a paper towel (the nearest thing I could grab) and passing him to my mom to put on a diaper and onesie, I headed to the shower. When I returned, my mom described how Darrell had spit up all over the changing pad and himself as she tried to put on his diaper, somehow fortunately missing the not-yet-buttoned onesie he half had on. By this point, we deduced he truly could not have any liquids left in his tiny body to expel and he was getting fussy so that meant only one thing: it was feeding time again!

Darrell's looking pretty handsome!

Darrell is now spending about an hour or two a day alert where he's not hungry or fussing, so I took advantage of this window for two days in a row to dress him up in an adorable "tuxedo" onesie and photograph him with some spray roses. I used window light from our sliding glass door, though the thunderstorms we've been having meant the light was lower than I'd like, so some of the photos have motion blur or a very shallow depth of field. It's certainly not easy photographing a three-week old, but all in all, I'm pretty pleased with the results!

To Cosleep... or not to sleep. That is the question.

Before I brought little Darrell home, I was dead set against co-sleeping in bed. I believed bed-sharing to be unsafe and even irresponsible, and I was keenly aware of the recommendations against it by the American Academy of Pediatricians and SIDS-awareness organizations. Being particularly paranoid about SIDS, there was no question that I would not be bed-sharing with Darrell IV.

After his first few days at home, I discovered that desperation can warp one's principles! As it turns out, co-sleeping is the ONLY way I've been getting any sleep at all, so I'm now finding myself fighting off guilt for doing it. Darrell still has his days and nights confused, and he's most alert in the wee hours of the evening. For the first week or two, that meant he was awake - either wanting to be fed or soothed - from 10pm until about 5am. In the past week or so, he's gone to sleep a little earlier: twice at 1:30am and a few times by 3am. By all accounts, however, he's still a night owl. He also will NOT stay asleep in his bassinet for more than five minutes, or longer than 10-20 minutes in his bouncer or rocker, even with the vibration on.

Therefore, the only way I've gotten sleep is for him to fall asleep while breastfeeding, keep him on my chest until I'm sure he's asleep (or soothe him to sleep there if he wakes), wiggle my way down from a slightly seated position to laying down, and then ease him off my tummy onto the crook of my arm. He is still on his back - as recommended for decreasing SIDS risk factors - but turned slightly on his side toward me. I make sure to keep the comforter away from him, he's in a wearable blanket for warmth and safety, and the ceiling fan is always on for good air circulation. I used to have him in the middle but started to get anxious about Darrell III rolling over on him (even with a pillow blocking the way), so I now keep him on the outside of me and have a pillow on the floor beside the bed just in case. (I bought a used Snugglenest for $20 off Craigslist, but it's pretty cramped using it in our queen-size bed... and he doesn't want to stay asleep in it either! The only way I got him to stay there for 20 minutes was to wrap myself around it practically John Lennon-Yoko Ono style and have my arm basically in it with him.)

Still, it nags at me that I'm going against recommendations. I asked his pediatrician about it at his two-week appointment and heard what I expected but didn't want to hear: it's really not recommended for safety reasons and because it conditions him to sleep only in bed with us and set up a pattern he'll want to continue. As I'm reading Happiest Baby on the Block, I've come to discount the conditioning reason. (If you can't spoil a baby under three months by holding him too much and conditioning him to expect that, then I don't believe I'm setting myself up for major problems with transitioning him to a bed later either.) However, I can't help but worry that I'm a bad parent for going against a doctor's safety recommendations. By the same token, I can't get ANY sleep - and therefore be much of a decent parent at all - if we don't use this arrangement right now. It's the only thing that works.

I've read that Dr. Sears recommends cosleeping and claims it reduces risk of SIDS, but I'm not entirely sure I trust his advice after reading critiques like this blog and skimming this AAP article (pdf). My mind was eased a little by reading stories similar to mine - including other moms who felt guilty for co-sleeping - on Babycenter.com forums like here and here. So I sought the insights of friends whose parenting values and methods I trust... and I was grateful to hear that nearly all of them co-slept with their little ones for at least the first several challenging months. They all told me I need to do what's right for me and my family... to me, it's a more basic decision that that: it's simple survival. Either we co-sleep, or I don't sleep. There's not much of an option right now.

Plaster Mold FAIL (sort of)

So everyone keeps telling me to treasure this time because my son will grow up so fast. They tell me how much bigger their children are at three months, six months, one year, six years, sixteen years... and remind me to appreciate this time as much as I can. Of course, that's hard to do when I'm barely conscious from lack of sleep half the time! However, I want to take their advice to heart, and I've been photographing him and trying to enjoy his tiny-ness as much as possible. And since he's really too young to "play" with right now, I decided to do some playing of my own to preserve his small features.

After browsing through Amazon.com offers of clay handprint and footprint sets, I decided I didn't want to wait and drove out to Hobby Lobby to pick up a kit... or two, or three... or four. Okay, so I couldn't decide. I picked out two plaster-of-Paris kits for making hand- and footprints, one "party pack" that makes 10 clay hand/footprint ornaments (which is perfect for a party of kids, or a bunch of Christmas gifts!), and one kit that creates a 3-D plaster mold of his hand and foot. Overboard? Nah!

With his hands and feet growing so quickly and the complexity of the 3-D kit, I decided to do that one first and enlisted (read: arm-twisted) Darrell to help out. First step: read all the instructions. The package talks about how "easy" the process is, but it actually involves a lot of steps and a lot of careful reading. (I like how it suggests doing this project when your child is in a "good mood." Defining a newborn's "good mood" is pretty straightforward: he's either eating or sleeping - which means pray he doesn't wake up when you dip his hand into the gooey mold.)

You first have to mix water and the molding powder for one minute. Of course, we didn't read the words "one minute" until it was already about one minute, and we used lukewarm water instead of cold water, so the mold was setting before we could get it into the cup where we would plunge his hand. We tried adding water to it, but it was too late: the jello-like mold was too congealed. Fail.

Enter hormones. When all you do, day in and day out, is feed and comfort a newborn and try to get a nap, little things like making plaster molds of tiny limbs take on a great importance. This project was actually the only important thing to me to get done Saturday. So when step one failed, I naturally started crying, which only (fair enough) frustrated my husband. Fortunately, I thought to stop crying and get online before 9pm to call Michael's (which closes at 9pm) and find out that they had a kit available. My ever-so-patient husband offered to drive us over there at 8:45pm to pick up another kit for another try at this molding business.

Attempt number two went better - sort of. This time we read the instructions more carefully - this kit's molding substance only required 20 seconds of mixing before we had to stick little D's hand in it and we got it poured into the styrofoam cup before it started setting - but little D wasn't as conked out as he was an hour before when we started this business. Almost immediately after we plunged his tiny fist into the pinkish molding goo, like the flip of a light switch, he woke up and began screaming. We had to hold his hand in there for a good 2-3 minutes while he twisted, squirmed and screamed as though we were torturing our precious child on the rack. Keeping the icky mix off his blanket, the table and us was as challenging as holding his hand in the cup for what seemed an eternity.

When we finally pulled his hand out, he was clenching bits of the mix in his palm, so I figured the mold was ruined. Meanwhile, I felt like a horrible parent. He was screaming bloody murder and his arm had bits of the (nontoxic) mix all over it, so I needed to give him a quick bath (which I'd planned to do anyway). That just made matters worse. As I set him in the mini tub in the kitchen sink, he screamed like there was no tomorrow, and I nearly started crying with guilt. The poor kid was scared to death (and probably cold to boot). My mom said it was no different than his screaming when we changed a diaper, but I felt this was different because I was causing him fear for my own silly art project. After bathing, towel-wrapping, holding, soothing and rocking him to sleep, I had to decide whether we'd attempt the foot or not. I still felt guilty, but I had insisted on going out at 9pm on a Saturday to get the damn kit, so we might as well finish the job.

Attempt number three: total failure. Darrell mixed the pink goo, poured it into a tiny bread pan and we dipped in his foot... but there was no way in hell we were holding it there. His leg muscles are much stronger than his arm muscles, and he kicked and squirmed enough that even the two of us together couldn't keep his foot down and even halfway immobilized enough for the mold to set. We had to toss the pan and mold and accept defeat. For once, however, my husband was more optimistic than I was and figured we might as well pour the plaster into the hand mold and see what happens. I had little expectation that it would turn out, but I was grateful he was trying to make it work when I was the one who had thrown the hissy fit over doing it in the first place.

Turns out it DID work! The hand isn't perfect, but it looks pretty damn good to me :) And good enough that I may consider trying to do a better hand and trying for his foot again next weekend...

Darrell's hand mold

Happy Father's Day!

Today was hubby Darrell's first Father's Day, which I forgot about until I was already halfway through teaching my GRE class. So on the way home, I called my own dad and told him his gift was a grandson (which he was perfectly happy with), and then I drove to Marie Callender's to pick up a key lime pie for Darrell. It was the only thing I could think to get since I know he loves key lime pie and doesn't get it often. Then I subjected him to a mini-mini photo session because we *still* didn't have nice photos of the three of us; now we finally have daylight-lit photos of the three of us outside by a bush that look a little nicer than anything we had before.



I'm grateful I'm teaching two young women - one of whom is a registered nurse - in my GRE class because my milk glands seemed to know when time was up for little Darrell's feeding. Just about the time he was happily sucking down the pumped milk from last night, I was soaking through my disposable breast pads and sporting a telltale wet spot on my shirt. By the time I got home, it looked like I'd leaned up against a wet sink! Note to self: stash extra breast pads in my purse - and check them every so often! It actually worked out well because I was able to pump one side - which may have been on its way to engorgement - when I got home and feed Darrell with the other.

Then I did something foolish: I chose not to take a nap. I know I'll regret it tonight when we're up until 3 or 4 or 5 again, but I was so productive in cleaning up the living room and getting some things done online, etc., that I couldn't bring myself to lay down. Even had I tried, my racing mind probably would have staved off sleep, so I'll just have to hope our marathon evening doesn't run too late.

Dad, Mom and Baby Hands

Blue Moon

Here I sit enjoying my first full alcoholic drink since I found out I was pregnant: a bottle of Blue Moon. Yes, a bit mundane, but think of it as comfort food. I also scheduled a massage for myself today, which helped a lot since my back has begun aching from the stiff side-sleeping/arm-out position I'm using when the baby is in bed with me. It ensures he's safe from my husband and me, but it puts a kink in the middle of my back, which poor posture during some nursing probably doesn't help. The masseuse, at a great and inexpensive place called Massage Harmony, said he's expecting his third child, so he was comfortable with my post-partum status and gave me a great massage.

I popped open the beer after little Darrell emptied one boob and we pumped the other one empty with the new breast pump I got from WIC so he has milk while I teach my four-hour GRE class tomorrow. It was our first experience using the pump, and it took a while to coax the milk out before a decent let-down gave us about two ounces. I was stunned when we removed the pump: my nip looked like it had been attacked by wasps, it was so large and swollen!

Now I just have to hope that tonight is not like last night. Last night was another hell night where little Darrell was up until 5 am with no substantial respite. I could often get him quiet or sleeping for a time but only if I kept rocking in the glider, shushing-singing to him and giving him my pinky to suck on - and I can't do that for four hours nonstop. Each time I would get him asleep, I would wait 15 minutes or so to be sure he was asleep and then try to move back to the bedroom, or, if I was already in bed, to slide down to a supine position with him beside me or on my chest so I could actually sleep. Each time he thwarted my quest for zzz's by waking up fussy.

Somewhere around 4 am, I woke up my husband to ask him to change the diaper because I was so exhausted I didn't think I could get up again. He did, and he told me everything was okay. No, it wasn't, I told him. I was exhausted. I didn't care if I was doing well - though I was grateful to hear him tell me so - I needed to sleep! Once he finally fell asleep a little after 5:30 or so, we stayed in bed until noon with one feeding in the middle, and I squeezed in two hours of nap earlier this evening. I won't have the luxury of sleeping in that late tomorrow, and I have to teach math for four hours...

Let the peeing begin!

How many new parents does it take to change a diaper? Apparently two is not enough! Last night, Darrell and I needed more than four hands to handle our little one because he kept presenting us with new challenges. First, it's worth noting that he always screams bloody murder when he's changed, so the wailing is already rattling when you're changing his diaper. I've discovered that turning him on his stomach after an initial wipedown helps twofold: he seems to like it more, so he's quieter, and it's easier to clean the cracks and crevices of his hiney. Of course, when he decides to pee while on his stomach, the arrangement doesn't work so well since by the time Mom notices, he's rolling in his urine.

So, I flipped him over and on to the side of the changing pad that wasn't wet while my husband tried to stem the pee before it rolled on to the couch, where we were changing him. (Our modest budget and cramped, cluttered apartment means no permanent changing station.) Meanwhile, I had already put Desitin on my finger to rub on to his butt, but in his unhappy flailing, he'd managed to get it on his hand - which he nearly always has in his mouth. So now I'm trying to frantically wipe the Desitin off his hand before it makes its way to the wrong orifice while my husband tries to help with the pad and wipe him down further. Meanwhile, I need to get his partly pee-soaked onesie off (the clean one I put on fifteen minutes earlier) without getting more Desitin everywhere. When my husband goes to dispose of something or other, little Darrell realizes - wait! I'm not empty yet!

And so goes the uncontrolled hose... all over the arm of the couch (my side - incidentally also the arm that the dogs oddly always compulsively lick) and what was left of the changing pad. So now I'm trying to wipe down his tummy, get the rest of the onesie off and block any more geysers. My husband is getting the last of the Desitin fully off his hand while the baby flails and kicks so hard that he kicks... the new Desitin I just put on my finger in hopes of finally getting it on his booty! Somehow I manage to get more Desitin on my finger and then on his buns before it gets to any other of his limbs while my husband finally manages to get the fresh diaper under him. As he fastens the diaper, I find a clean onesie (we've done more laundry for this seven-pound kid in a week than I do for myself in a month, it seems) and pull it over his contorted red face and writhing torso.

There. Done. Now just to calm down the crying.

Thanks a lot for the cry

My friend Kim sent me a YouTube link to the song "It Won't Be Like This for Long," and I can't decide whether to love her or hate her for it. There was no way I could watch it all the way through and not start crying, but with my feelings of inadequacy regarding bonding with little Darrell, the fact that I was crying meant I was feeling something right, if that makes any sense.

Smooth bellies and legs

Yay! No more alcohol prep pads during diaper changes! Darrell's umbilical cord stump fell off this morning, so he now has an utterly adorable little belly button instead of an unsightly rotting stump of skin to clean off with prep pads all the time. I happily discovered that I, too, have a much smoother belly than I did yesterday. Over the past week, the stretch marks on my lower abdomen have itched so much that it was driving me nuts. I constantly put on cream, but the area was incredibly lumpy and bumpy and irritated. A post-partum nurse who called to check on me yesterday suggested that it could be caused by the disposable latex/cotton underwear from the hospital, which is all I've worn since the birth. I doubted it, but I went ahead and changed into regular cotton panties last night... and voila! This morning the rash was gone! Still a little itchy, but what a difference! It's also nice to notice the flabby belly shrinking a bit. God bless breastfeeding for helping out with that. As my husband pointed out, my son is joyfully sucking out my belly fat through my tits ;)

I also had the pleasure today of finally shaving my legs without nearly killing myself. Until today, I was usually taking quick showers every other day, but today my mom watched Darrell while I took a nice long shower. Shaving when I was pregnant was hopeless and dangerous at the end - even if I sat down in the tub I had to compress my tummy too much and then it was nearly impossible to get back up again without what felt like some daring acrobatic maneuvers. Now, however, for the first time in weeks, I have nice, smooth legs and I could actually breathe while I did it! One more brief step toward a sense of normalcy...

First Sponge Bath

Today is the first day I probably got a reasonable amount of sleep. I stayed in bed with Darrell until about 2pm, only waking up for feedings and diaper changing - and only the latter when utterly necessary! He's still quite the night owl, of course. I was up for most of the night, though it's hard to remember when I was awake and when I wasn't. I've finally started using the $5 iPhone app I bought to track his feedings, diaper changings, milestones, etc. I'm primarily interested in tracking his feedings more accurately and this app will export to Excel. I'm such a nerd ;)

After we decided to get up and do another feeding, he released an impressive poop that leaked out the diaper up his back, so it was finally time to give him a sponge bath. I probably should have given him one already, but I didn't see the need since we were wiping him down well after changes and spit-ups, and I figured he wouldn't like it. I was right. He screamed for much of it, though he quieted while I had him turned on his tummy on my knees. I decided not to use any soap this time and just used a wet washcloth with warm water to wipe him down while Mom filmed us. I told him one day he'd pay good money for a woman to give him a sponge bath!

He's getting better with the latch during nursing, though it's still frustrating when he gets overexcited and won't latch even when the set-up is perfect for him. I wish I could get inside his little head and figure out what he's thinking during those times when his mouth is right where it needs to be and he's obviously hungry - but he just won't close around me. I trust it will continue to get better though, hopefully!

Hormones strike again... and bonding insecurity

Yea, so, definitely not immune to the influence of the hormones. It's mostly in the evenings when Darrell comes home from work, and I'm sure it's exacerbated by both sleep deprivation and by anxiety about the looming nighttime, but I'll just cry from feeling so overwhelmed. Tonight I laid down with him for a little bit to cry while he held me and while my mom took care of the baby in the other room. I told him I was ashamed to admit it but that I already missed how the way it was when it was just the two of us. I'm not sorry we have the baby - I wanted a baby, a family - and I'm very happy with my decision, and I know things will get better. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed with the whole experience, it's hard not to long for the simpler days of just him and me.

I also worry I'm not bonding well enough with my baby. Before I had him, everyone told me I would instantly fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him. I feel horrible for saying as much, but that wasn't true. The first time I saw my baby, I was mainly exhausted and just stunned that he'd actually come out of me (and that I'd been able to push him out of me!) Then, I was more concerned with the birth complications I was experiencing, and I didn't see him until six hours later. I think he's absolutely beautiful - I couldn't ask for a more adorable kid - but I didn't feel this magic wave of love just wash over me like a Hollywood movie. I wanted to hold him and nourish him, and I want him to be happy, but I worry I was already an inadequate mother because I don't necessarily feel this head-over-heels infatuation with him.

My mother and husband tell me to relax and give it time and that our bond will grow, and I trust and believe them, but the last thing you want to feel when you're already stretched thin is even more inadequacy. I told my husband, "I'm giving so much of myself to him physically that I feel like there's almost nothing left of me emotionally." All I can do is trust that nature is taking a little more time with me and that the empathy and compassion I'm typically known for among friends will blossom in its own time. Oddly, the scary couch incident almost reassured me that I care more than I consciously notice. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing... as usual.

[Note: This entry was written 6/17/10 and backdated.]

A big scare (on my original due date)

Today is my original due date, and it's the day I received my biggest scare yet - and learned one hell of a lesson. I got up about 8am to change Darrell's diaper and my mom was still asleep. I really, really, really needed to use the bathroom, so I put Darrell in the Boppy newborn lounger on the couch, thinking he'd be secure there. I turned it so it was sloped down toward the inside of the couch, with the inclined side against the couch edge. He was screaming and writhing the whole time as he always does during and after diaper changes, so I rushed to the bathroom, did my business, washed my hands, came back... and saw his little head nearly dangling off the top edge of the lounger with the hardwood floor three menacing feet below him! I ran and grabbed him before he managed to kick hard enough to push himself up any more and tried to remember to breathe. In his thrashing, he had been gradually kicking enough that he was edging himself up the lounger. It seemed if I had gotten there 30 seconds later, he may have been able to push himself high enough that the weight of his head and shoulders could have sent him falling head first onto the hard wood.

I took him back to my bed and began to nurse him, but I was not okay. I started crying a little... then a lot. I wanted to calm down because I knew he would be able to feel my stress, but the experience scared me so much and made me so angry at myself that it was tough to calm myself down. I was grateful I got there when I did while trying to forgive myself for doing something so stupid. I could have put him in the rocker in my room, or in the bassinet, or taken the lounger with me and set it on the floor of the bathroom - anything but leave him alone in a place raised above the floor, and a hard wood floor at that! Of course, I also realized that this is likely the first of many other near-miss mistakes I'll make over the years, so I just have to get over it and be grateful I got there before he fell (there's no saying he definitely would have fallen, and he might have been fine after a fall, though I have a harder time convincing myself of that).

I nearly didn't tell my husband Darrell about it, but I felt it was dishonest not to, especially since it was still haunting me. I was worried he would be angry with me for doing something so careless and stupid. In fact, it was the opposite. He said it was an easy mistake to make, that nothing happened, that he'd probably have been fine anyway and that was that. Have I mentioned that I have a wonderful husband?

[Note: This entry was written 6/17/10 and backdated.]

Great Grandparents and the GRE Class

I teach GRE prep on Sundays, and this was the only commitment I knew I would need to keep even immediately after the baby's birth because of the way the company's work schedule is set up. They knew I was pregnant and would need to miss one, maybe two classes, but I was still going to need to teach the six week session in June/July. As it turned out, I missed the first class of the session because that was the day I went into the hospital, so I certainly couldn't miss the second day at this point!

Since I only have two students in the course, it was easy enough to negotiate a way to make up the missed time, and they were very flexible. I was a little uneasy, however, about teaching only a couple days out of the hospital. I'm still weak from blood loss and sore from tearing, and my feet are still very swollen, so I need to be off of them as much as possible. I was also uneasy about leaving little Darrell for a little over four hours; since I didn't have a pump yet, we would see if he could go without eating for that time. If not, my mom and Darrell would give him the formula from the hospital, though none of us wanted to do that unless necessary.

In the midst of my anxiety about teaching the first course that morning, Darrell got a phone call while I was still in bed from his grandparents. They were coming through Austin on their way to Arlington and wanted to stop to see the baby... in about thirty minutes. "What?!" That would put them at our apartment around 11 am, just fifteen minutes before he would need to drive me to the class. (We both felt more comfortable with him driving me than me driving myself so soon.)

I immediately began crying and panicking, and he got frustrated and annoyed at me. He said he had told me they were coming to visit on Sunday, but I was certain he had not: I associate Sunday with the GRE classes and would have mentioned it. So he said he had told me they were coming this weekend. That was more possible, and perhaps I had forgotten, but still - this felt so sudden and therefore overwhelming. I adore his grandparents, wanted to see them and want them to see their great grandchild, and ANY day of the week would be fine - except Sunday, or at least Sunday fifteen minutes before I need to leave for four hours!

Nevertheless, I calmed down and calculated the latest we could leave and still get to the class early-ish. His grandparents made good time and got here sooner, so we were able to visit a little longer than 15 minutes. All in all, I was grateful to have them come by because the photo I wanted more than anything was one of my husband Darrell, his grandfather Darrell and our son Darrell. This grandfather was the first Darrell of the Darrell Lee Morehouses, so having three of the four in a photo was a must. His grandfather demurred at first and said we could do the photos when they came back down in a few days, but I insisted. You never know what will happen tomorrow, and I told him he was NOT leaving my apartment until I had a photo of the three of them. I got my photo :) And a bonus: my husband is smiling, a rarity in ANY photo of him!



Meanwhile, the GRE class went fine. The two students are both young women and very relaxed, and we have a good rapport. (One is even an ICU nurse!) I taught nearly the entire class from my chair and didn't feel overly exhausted at the end. I actually felt good that I had taught four hours and enjoyed it. And I felt even better when I got home and found a hungry baby who hadn't had formula!

[Note: This entry was written 6/21/10 and backdated.]

Mom/Grandmom's Birthday

We celebrated my mother's 65th birthday today with a lovely dinner at East Side Cafe, one of my favorite Austin restaurants and one I knew my mom liked since she didn't know where to eat. My dad drove down from Arlington to surprise her - successfully - and we managed to take our four-day old Darrell with us without a peep. They put us in the garden room, which was perfect because it was empty when we arrived (though full by the time we left), and Darrell slept peacefully in his car seat carrier at my feet for the entire meal.

I was surprised that I didn't want to order any alcohol, though I wouldn't have anyway because I didn't think enough time would pass before his next feeding. The whole time I was pregnant, I really missed having a drink now and then. Here I was no longer pregnant, and I didn't even desire a glass of wine or margarita. It was nice to go out for dinner though - I actually felt semi-normal for the first time in a while!

Later on, however, the hormones hit me harder than they have so far and I felt anything but normal. I started feeling overwhelmed again by the whole experience of taking care of Darrell and probably dreading the nighttime a little bit. While in the bathroom I started crying, which made for an amusing scene when Darrell knocked and came in to give me the first piece of his (wonderful!) homemade baked bread and found me bawling. He asked what was wrong, but all I could say was "I don't know - nothing - just overwhelmed - it's these damn hormones!" I told him that I'd thought I might not have the crying bouts I was warned about because I'd be conscious enough of my raging hormones that they wouldn't bother me. Yea, um, I was wrong. He laughed and said, "I never thought you'd be immune." He's seen me crying enough to be a bit more realistic than me, I guess.

[Note: This entry was written 6/17/10 and backdated.]

First night home, first pediatrician visit

Last night was our first night home from the hospital. It was hell.

I knew the first night back would be rough, but it's even harder when your milk hasn't come in yet. While in the hospital, it was nice being able to call in a nurse for anything I needed and to order food from the cafeteria. Now we were on our own, and in the middle of the night, little Darrell was screaming for food... and I just didn't have it. Nursing has been extremely painful - excruciating to the point that the nurse was startled by my pain - from the start, and I could only attempt it with a bunch of Motrin in me. But even breathing through the pain didn't matter because the small amount of colostrom I had wasn't enough to satisfy him. I was in tears with frustration and helplessness, and Darrell finally told me just to give him the formula the hospital sent us home with. They had given us some formula to supplement my colostrom through a tube attached to my nipple because he wasn't gaining back his weight, but the tube thing didn't work out. They also gave us a few bottle nipples, though I was loathe to feed him formula.

I finally gave in and fed him the formula while bawling at 3 am in the morning. It was actually comforting to hear from a friend today that she had gone through the same thing: first night home, milk hadn't come in, newborn hunger cries... and while she bawled on the floor, her mother fed her son formula. At least it wasn't just me!

In any case, we survived the first night... and my milk came in this morning. He also had his first visit to the pediatrician this morning. We were running late because I haven't figured out my timing yet - it used to be I was out the door ten minutes after getting up, but now I have to reconfigure/discover how much time to plan for with the baby! - but all went well. I really like our pediatrician, Dr. Broberg with Austin Regional Clinic, because of his warmth, sense of humor and relaxed manner. When I interviewed him during my pregnancy, I wanted to know if he was okay with non-circumcision (yes, a quarter of his patients aren't circumcised) and whether he was the type to order tests and specialist appointments when there was a problem or to wait and see first. He said he was the latter, which is what I was looking for since I believe there's way too much testing and referring in the health care industry these days. I also asked him how he would react to parents who wanted to use an altered schedule for vaccinations. He said, "Well, we keep a baseball bat in the closet..." I immediately liked him :)

The pediatrician at the hospital had wanted us to take Darrell to a urologist because his opening was apparently small, but Dr. Broberg saw no issues with it and said we were fine waiting and seeing - just his style and what I prefer. Darrell weighed in at 7 lbs, so he was finally gaining back a little of his weight. He was 6 lbs, 14 oz a few days after he was born, and the hospital was concerned he had lost so much weight, so it was reassuring to see he's finally started to regain it.

Meanwhile, my husband went back to work today, but I'm incredibly grateful it's Friday so that he's home for the next two days. We have the second night to get through next.

[Note: This entry was written 6/21/10 and backdated.]